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KellyJ
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| The
Super Bowl happens once a year. After 364 days of heated anticipation
and millions of dollars spent nationwide on beer, snacks and football
jerseys, the biggest sports event in America takes place. Stores close
for Super Bowl Sunday. Friendships temporarily sever. People who don't
even enjoy watching sports get into the spirit, caking themselves in
face paint and wearing colors to match the team they want to win (often
decided by which mascot they like more). Two weeks later everyone
bitches about Valentine's Day being a "commercial" holiday that only
exists to sell merchandise. Whoops!
"WE JUST GOT DONE WATCHING CATS THE MUSICAL THE BIG FOOTBALL GAME"
This year the event took place in Detoit, Michigan. Extensive
preperations were made to make sure that visitors felt safe in a city
known for its poverty and crime. However, the Super Bowl XL committee
could not prepate itself for Detroit's most destructive force: Aretha
Franklin.
Singing a high B, or trying to breathe? You decide.
Franklin was upset that the Super Bowl had picked the Rolling Stones to
perform during the halftime show and chose to ignore Detroit's
long-standing contributions to music (read: her). Unless "Whoop There
It Is" was written by Detroit natives I really don't see what any of
this has to do with football. Aretha, the International Auto Show just
hit Detroit in January and they totally didn't mention you or Kid
Rock(he was pissed). Where were you at?
Eventually they gave her a mic, let her sing the Star Spangled Banner
(she was totally shocked and said it was an "ultra honor"!) and it was
done. Detroit was safe once again and the game could finally commence.
The game started, and at this point in the evening no one in the room I
was in knew what was going on. We just kind of watched the score and
cheered when the numbers changed. Before we knew it halftime was upon
us and our cheers came to an abrupt stop.
Q: What wiggles more than Mick Jagger at Super Bowl XL?
A: The key that Mick Jagger is singing in!
All of a sudden everyone started crying, and I knew we weren't nearly drunk enough for that kind of thing yet so it had
to be the fault of the Rolling Stones and their embarrassing halftime
performance. Mick Jagger, clad in a sparkly tuxedo jacket (with a
tail?!), scuttled and gyrated around the stage. I can only imagine that
he was still trying to fit into the pants he was wearing, because Jesus
they were tight. The last thing I need in my life right now is
self-image issues imposed on me by someone in his 60's. Though he has
retained his body, age has not been kind of ol' Mick's voice. The man
can barely pronounce words anymore. However, this may have been an
artistic decision. The countless "And I twy's" brought forth memories
of Elmer Fudd, who I can only assume "can't get no girly action".
Once the Rolling Stones finished thier set we were treated to more
commercials. I really don't get what the big deal is about Super Bowl
commercials anymore. They are no longer interesting or clever. In some
cases, like the Hummer H3 commercial, they were downright frightening.
"We took out all the skyscrapers, now you go destroy the economy."
In this ad, a giant city-destroying robot and a giant city-destroying
monster fall in love and give birth to a car. That car is the Hummer
H3, and I would like to meet the person who thought this shed any sort
of positive light on the vechicle. Not only does this ad say "when you
bring two terrifying forces of annihilation togeter you get our
product", but the whole robot/monster thing clearly promotes
interracial relationships which are totally the work of evil.
Speaking of evil(and interracial relationships), look who's back?
This person is about to get laid.
My arch nemesis, The Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme.
In this commercial some girl practically rips her clothes off in public
for a guy who is seducing her through the erotic power of flour
tortillas. It is like a PG version of "The Axe Effect", except you
smell like nacho cheese instead of Cyclone or Fireball or whatever the
hell Axe is supposed to be scented like.
The commercials finally over, we could finally get back to watching the
game that we knew nothing about. We kept cheering every time it looked
like something important happened(none of us would actually admit that
we didn't know what we were looking at). After what I'm sure were very
awesome plays, the black team emerged victorious! I was cheering for
them, so this pretty much means that I also won the Super Bowl.
Until next time, Seafags!
-Rikc | | |
| TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE
a review by Rikc Serious
It is
January 2006. We are supposed to do all of our remeniscing of the past
year on New Year's Eve, but something very important happened in 2005
that not nearly enough people have touched on in their homage. You see,
2005 is the year in Transformers canon where the events in
Transformers: The Movie took place. In an effort to preserve history
for future generations I would just like to recap what has happened
this past year in the world of Transformers, as the Republican agenda
really tries to hide this stuff from the American public.
There is seriously more going on here than meets the eye.
Transformers: The Movie was released (or should I say prophecised)
in 1987, supposedly for the purpose of delighting and entertaining
families everywhere. I'm not sure where the miscommunication was, but
somehow someone decided that this movie should be made to terrify and
generally unsettle its audience. This is not a movie for kids.
In the film 23 onscreen deaths occur, with millions more assumed to
have happened. It opens with a scene of what seems like a giant space
station OH WAIT that is actually a robot that exists to eat other
planets!
HI KIDS LETS GO ON A MAGICAL JOURNEY INTO MY TUMMY
After
an entire race (is that even the right word? build? version?) of robots
is wiped out, we get a scene of Megatron planning as usual to attack
and destroy the Autobots. He takes over a ship, ruthlessly gunning down
the passengers without the slightest sign of remorse, and heads toward
Cybertron.
After this, we check in on Hot Rod and Daniel, who
are fishing down on Cybertron. Hey Daniel want to go see your dad come
back from space well hop inside of me(after I turn into a car that is)
and I'll take you there! They speed towards the landing point,
recklessly(I mean, youthfully) driving through important construction
areas with several fellow Autobots walking around.
Sorry, but we're in a hurry.
Once
they arrive, Hot Rod quickly notices that the ship has been hijacked by
the enemy! In moments the entire planet of Cybertron is under attack,
and Optimus Prime isn't even home yet! Some robot that looks just like
him named Ultra Magnus takes over and tells everyone what to do, then
this idiot named Blurr shows up and asks what he can do. I need to take
a second to talk about Blurr because I really fucking hate this guy.
Jesus Christ stop moving I'm trying to take a screenshot of how gay you are.
A
lot of the robots in Transformers have a specialty or job they are
particularly good at. If they can fly they are named "Cloudhawk" or
"Airplane" something. If they specialize in communications they're
called "Frequency" or "Deadaim". Blurr's specialty is that he talks
really fast. He also blurs when he moves, but he doesn't exactly move
very fast. They are pretty useless specialties and I really don't know
why he has them. He talks so fast that you can barely make out what he
is saying, but he doesn't say any more than the other Autobots. Instead
of "I'm going to go downstairs to get a glass of milk" he'll say "I'm
going to go down the stairs down down down go down the stairs because
that's where the glass of milk is yes stairs I'm going down them now to
get milk because it's not downstairs it's upstairs." He does this with
everything he says. Anyway, he asks Ultra Magnus if he can help and
Ultra Magnus is like "whatever" and everyone goes out to defend the
city.
Eventually Optimus Prime finally makes it to to the
battle, and the ultimate showdown between him and Megatron goes down!
This fight gets pretty gritty and Optimus Prime talks tons of shit,
saying "No Megatron I think this is your last battle" or "One
shall stand, one shall fall". It is kind of derogatory to his character
but I will let Prime slide because he was in the heat of battle.
Anyhow, things get really intense when Megatron threatens to rip out Optimus Prime's optics.
I found this strange, because I have never seen a children's show(and
trust me I watch a lot of them) where a character has threatened to rip
the organs out of another character's body. Take a look at what I mean.
"I'll rip out your optics!"
"I will tear your eyes out of your little bird head."
It
just doesn't seem right! Anyhow, the match ends with Prime and Megatron
taking each other out at the same time. With their leader fallen in
battle the Decepticons retreat, and Autobotland or whatever is saved!
However, victory doesn't come without a price. Optimus Prime's wounds
are fatal!
Hahahahahahaha.
In
his last moments online, Optimus Prime passes on The Matrix and his
role of leadership to--surprise!!--Ultra Magnus. The robot that looks
just like him. It is like the red/white/blue robots are the Jews of
Cybertron. The other Autobots know this but they can't get the media to
run any articles on it for some reason. Prime tells Magnus that The
Matrix will light the Autobots' darkest hour, and then dies.
Meanwhile,
on the Decepticon side of things, everyone pretty much decides "let's
just throw Megatron off of the ship and fight over who gets to be the
new leader." They do that, as well as throw a few other guys for good
measure, and the fighting begins.
Megatron is pretty depressed
about this, but then he runs into Unicron, the giant planet-eating
robot from earlier! They agree "Hey, you go destroy the Autobots and
bring me the Matrix and I'll let you live since you are much smaller
than planets, which I can eat." Megatron, now adorned with a new body
and working under the name "Galvatron", goes back to seek out the
Decepticons and fuck shit up. One he kills Starscream, the robot who
apparently was chosen to be the new leader, everyone is like "what's
that guy's name? We'll work for him now".
As he does that,
Unicron goes and eats some space ships. Unluckily for Daniel, one of
those ships belongs to his dad, Spike! As he tries to asess the
situation and decide on the best course of action for survival, Spike
lets his temper get the best of him and curses!
"Oh, shit!"
Again, this is not something I would expect from other children's media.
"Fuck!"
I
would also like to note that this particular chapter on the
Transformers: The Movie DVD is called "Swear Word". I swear word you
not.
But the Autobots have no time to worry about Spike or his
filthy language, because here come the Galvatron-led Decepticons! This
chase takes our heroes to some junk planet, except for Hot Rod and some
old robot named Kup. They crash land on some other planet and are
almost eaten by robot sharks.
In the junk battle Ultra Magnus
decides "I should probably use The Matrix now and win the fight." He
stands there while everyone makes fun of him because he can't get The
Matrix to work, and then four fighter jets come and blast him to
shreds. The Decepticons take The Matrix and leave, but this does not
mean the other Autobots are safe! Some weird dudes who live on the junk
planet also want to kill them!
Is it cold in here or are my nipples equipped to pierce plated armor?
Perhaps
even more unsettling than this robot's death nipples is his long,
flowing beard and moustache. Everyone knows it isn't real hair, he
might as well wear a wig. Anyway, the junk planet robots start playing
"Dare To Be Stupid" by Weird Al Yankovic(seriously) and start attacking
the Autobots. Once it looks like these guys are about to kill everyone
Hot Rod gets back from that stupid shark planet and uses this
"universal greeting" to save the day. Get this: there is this universal greeting, right? Apparently everyone in every language understands it. If you say it and give them a treat
they instantly become your friend. Why they never tried this on the
Decepticons I have no clue, but it works on these junk planet guys
because everyone starts dancing and having a giant junk orgy for some
reason. Also, "Dare To Be Stupid" is still playing. That's right, they
used the same song for both the intense action scene and the giant
party scene that shortly follows.
Don't just stand there, bust a move.
NOW EVERYBODY START KISSING.
After
the party winds down and everyone recovers from their hangovers the
next morning the beard guy is like "Oh, we'll fix Ultra Magnus for
you." They plug him back together and wipe him down with windex
and he comes back to life. I don't get this. Optimus Prime was shot by
a laser handgun and the wound was fatal, but Ultra Magnus gets shot by battle-ready aircraft
and they just put him back together? Talk about plug and play, am I
right? With The Matrix in enemy hands and Unicron on the verge of
becoming ruler of the universe, everyone sets off for the final
confrontation.
Galvatron comes back with The Matrix and he gets
in a big argument with Unicron. Galvatron obviously doesn't know when
to shut up because Unicron was like "fine, if you're going to be a
pussy I'll just eat your planet over here." He transforms into some
other robot and starts punching Cybertron. The Autobots show up,
everyone hops inside of Unicron and starts fighting and looking for a
way to blow up this giant dude. Daniel is wandering around and finds a
room that serves the sole purpose of dropping robots from a crane into
a giant pit of acid, and soon notices that his dad's turn in line is
about to come up!
HI KIDS!
Luckily
he manages to save his dad in time! The other Autobots are just
fighting a bunch of booby traps and being completely useless, and Hot
Rod manages to find Galvatron before he can use The Matrix. A fight
breaks out, and eventually it is discovered that Hot Rod is the Chosen
One who will light the Autobots' darkest hour!
KAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEE
Now
that he is powered up, Hot Rod throws Galvatron through a window and
back out into space. All of a sudden everything starts blowing up. I
guess that means Unicron is dying, somehow? Everyone exacuates and he
explodes. I still don't know why this happened. It probably has
something to do with The Matrix.
Either way, everything is cool
again. Hot Rod, now the king of the Autobots, declares that "The
Cybertronian War is over", even though Unicron had nothing to do with
that war and the Decepticons aren't even destroyed or changed in any
major way. That is pretty much how the movie ends. The "closure" scene
is even shorter than this paragraph. The movie closes with Unicron's
severed head flying through space, and then the credits roll.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME :)
All
in all, this movie works better as a historical piece of 2005 than an
actual kids's movie. Though there may be 23 on-screen deaths(I
counted!) and two destroyed planets(I counted!), it is important for
our children to understand the past and where we came from, and as long
as the child is mature enough to handle the situations and a parent is
there to guide him/her, this could be a very rewarding film.
-Rikc
| | |
| "MY DAY AS A CAREER CRIMINAL"
The oldest profession in the history of our world is crime. Ever since we became smart enough to steal things our world has operated on the idea that "there is an easier way to do the things you want if you think you can do it without getting caught". Those of us who adhered to a more wholesome lifestyle secretly became infatuated with those who "walked on the wild side": Career criminals. Men and women who made their living through the practice of deceit and violence. Although their actions are less than savory in the eyes of society, these people totally have it made. What other profession is lucrative enough where you can live a life of luxury yet easy enough where black people will actually do it?
One day I wondered to myself what those people had that I didn't. What does it take to live the life of a career criminal? Sure I need some special skills that would help me with crime-ing, and a posse would help so I had some backup during more high-profile operations, but it didn't feel like these things would be that hard to aquaire. I laid it out and drew up a diagram to compare myself and my "boys" against a real-life band of criminals.
With a little imagination anyone can be a self-made outlaw!
We are matched in manpower, and although we didn't have sunglasses or stubble I think that Jesse, Joe and I can pull off that "criminal" look. I gave them a call and explained that I want to test our aptitude as lawbreakers. We met up at our secret hideout and got down to business.
SPEEDING
The speedometer said 70, but the needle was buried on the awesome-o-meter!
We decided to warm up with minor traffic violations. In a 65 MPH zone I slammed my foot to the pedal, blasting my car at speeds of almost 75 MPH! Joe and Jesse were not ready for me to be so serious about this and met my wheels of fury with pleas to settle down. Although it was gently snowing and I was low on gas(the "check gauge" light was on!!) I took their concerns and threw them to the wind(which was blowing fiercely because I was driving so fast). I eventually slowed down when I saw headlights in the distance and thought it was a cop, but it was actaully a PT Cruiser.
RETAIL FRAUD
I'm going to steal this Teen Titans action figure and those trapper keepers aren't going to stop me.
It was time to stop braking and start taking! We rolled up to a convenience store and made our way inside. I figured the trick to stealing things would be to not let anyone see you and to look as inconspicuous as possible, and as it turned out I was right! Armed with this knowledge I felt that the entire store was mine for the taking. We walked through every aisle trying to decide what the best item to steal would be, and eventually decided on a Teen Titans toy. Joe and Jesse kept watch on both ends of the aisle as I made the slip(into my jacket) and we quickly walked out of the store without making eye contact with any of the employees, although they asked us if we needed help with anything.
IDENTITY THEFT
I can finally buy my copy of "Dog Groomer's Monthly" guilt-free, now that I know everyone thinks someone else is buying it and not me.
There seemed to be some unrest amongst the posse, and I thought it was time I showed everyone that I was boss. Jesse was kind of a bitch about my speeding, but Joe was being especially sassy and I decided to make an example out of him. After pickpocketing(which is a crime!) his ID and credit card I put a little makeup magic to work and soon became an exact clone of Joe. The look of horror on his face as I bought copies of dog magazines at a pet store was so gratifying that I knew scandal just might be the life for me. After telling a bunch of strangers "Hi I'm Joe and I am a complete idiot" I got rid of the costume and came to find that Joe and Jesse, having realized my powers, were once again dedicated to the cause.
It was time for the big leagues.
ARMED ROBBERY
I would like a round pepperoni with extra cas$h, bitch.
We were all a little nervous for our first armed robbery, but we figured everyone is their first time so we all agreed it is okay to make mistakes. We spent a lot of time planning our introdcuction. I wanted to jump in and start waving my gun around and scream "THIS IS A GET UP NOBODY MOVE." There was a big debate over if we were supposed to say "get up" or "stick up" and I felt kind of studpid because when I googled it later that night I realized I was totally wrong, but either way we decided not to do that. Joe wanted to do something flashy and has this little "team post" like the Charlie's Angels do that we would make before every heist. Jesse and I thought that was super-gay so that idea didn't stick around very long. Jesse had the winning idea with "let's just pretend we're ordering a pizza then jump the counter." We liked that idea, so we went in and casually ordered a pizza. Once their backs were turned Jesse hopped the counter and went nuts choking this one guy, and eventually just put him in a hold and held a knife to his throat. I whipped out my piece(that is gangster talk for "gun") and hit the cashier in the head with it every time I thought he was going to cry or scream or something. Joe ended up buckling under the pressure and pretending like he didn't know us, which was really embarrassing so we figured "if he's going to pretend to be a customer then we're going go rob him, too." We did. It was the second time that day I was in posession of the contents of Joe's wallet, which must be pretty emasculating for him. After a successful robbery it was time to make off with our winnings!
POLICE SHOOTOUT
Let's play a game, punks. It's called "alive cop/dead cop".
They say that the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime, but in our case we just hung out at the scene of the crime and never actually left. After our first robbery we celebrated with a pizza in my car in the parking lot, and although we were eating fast I guess the cops still had enough time to make it over and catch us. This left one option: get out of there and leave as many dead bodies as possible. Armed with pizza, a knife and a gun we fended off like 20 cops and it was totally awesome. Joe would distract them by doing something stupid like humping a pole or dancing on the hood of my car and Jesse and I would use the opportunity to get in as many headshots as possible. As reinfocements came things got a bit stickier. My tires got shot out so we couldn't drive away and Joe and Jesse got capped. Needless to say, this called for dire measures! I poured a shot on the ground for my fallen homies and took off on foot after offing a few more cops.
CARJACKING
Hey bitch nice gloves let me borrow your car.
I managed to lose most of the police, but a few were still on my tail and I needed a quick way to escape. I saw a car driving towards me and got an awesome idea! I acted like I was hurt and fell to the ground, and when the car stopped to see if I was okay I just got up and stole the car. It was so easy, I couldn't believe it! I was going to run over the driver because she kept screaming like a baby but the car was stick shift and I am terrible withs stick shifts let me tell you. Regardless of this I managed to get away from my pursuers and escape arrest. Now I just had to cover my tracks.
DISPOSING OF WITNESSES
No one likes a tattle tale.
The children saw my every move, and I knew I had to find a way to keep them quiet...for good. I announced to the playground that I just made up an awesome new game that I can teach them if they all follow me. They did, then I taught them the game. "If you promise to never ever talk about what you saw today I'll give you a piece of candy". I took out some candy that I secretly grabbed from the store earlier before grabbing the Teen Titans toy, and soon enough the kids were certain to never tell a soul about what they saw.
Then I mowed them down with a machine gun.
Just kidding!
Now that I had gotten away clean, I realized that a life of crime is serious business, and not a career I would do well in in the long run. I needed to make a new name for myself, change my image, start over.
CRIME AGAINST FASHION
Strike the pose, there's nothing to it.
I decided the first order of business would be to change my look. I went to a clothing store and grabbed the first three items I saw, thinking "this will help me blend in with society." I was totally wrong. I walked out of the store and was instantly confronted by the Fashion Police. Between my pre-rolled sleeves, popped collar, hemp belt and terrible color scheme I was looking like one totally shady dude. They took me in for questioning and my true identity as "that guy who hit a pizza place the other day" was revealed. I was sentanced to a lot of years in jail and it really sucks. I would be a free man today if I hadn't let my power go to my head and attempted the greatest crime anyone can commit.
Please, learn from my mistakes. A life of scandal is not worth it. You may have the glory and the rush of lawbreaking, but it is not worth the risk of being shot or wearing a shirt that says "I love the morning ride".
-Rikc
Special thanks to Joe L(cowriter) and Jesse B, Joe L, Keith Creativia, Justin N, and Kelly J(models) | | |
| PLACES MY CAT HAS SLEPT: A user's guide to places where cats sleep
by rikc
My
dad doesn't know what to do. No longer working, but at the young age of
53, he is lost without his work. Hours he would usually spend at work
are now filled with uncertainty and television. To combat this, he has
found a new obsession: my cat.
Landmine.
I
got Landmine just over a year ago when I was living in an apartment. I
saved her from a pack of wolves chasing her through a freezing cold
canyon of ice, and we quickly became pals. My parents, being cat
lovers, quickly took a liking to Landmine. When I moved back home this
liking became a bit terrifying. My dad now has two favorite things he
likes to do: If he doesn't know where the cat is, ask me where the cat
is. It does not matter if I am at work, he will call me to ask where
the cat is. If he knows where the cat is, he has to show me where.
"Look, Rikc, the cat is sitting on one of your shirts. You have to
check out this fucking crazy shit right here, it is unbelievable."
I'm not wearing a shirt because she just slept on it and it broke.
Other
than the swearing, this is not an exaggeration. I'm not quite sure why
he feels this is important-unless I want to wear the shirt in question,
the cat can lay on it all she wants-but I don't think the cat has laid
down to sleep a single time in this house without gathering a crowd
split between horribly uninterested and infinitely awed peoples. What
follows is a REAL list of places my dad has brought my attention to
when occupied by a cat. For the sake of fulfilling the "review"
prerequisite, I will also rate each location on its desirability for
feline relaxation. Let's begin.
If a tornado struck, this would be the first window in the house to shatter.
IN FRONT OF A WINDOW(DOWNSTAIRS)
My dad always tells me she is sleeping here because "oh look she wants
to eat those birds". It has the added benefit of a very soft blanket on
top of a piano chair for easy birdwatching! Tucked in the back of our
living room, this is a great place to rest when you don't want to
bothered too much, but don't be surprised when dad invites 20 people
over to take pictures of you in front of the scenic view!
LANDMINES: 
STOMP STOMP STOMP MEOW MEOW MEOW
THE STAIRS "Rikc. Rikc. You won't believe this. I was walking upstairs just now and almost stepped on the cat! I almost stepped on a landmine!!! Get it?!?!
This is not a good idea. You will get stepped on, and it isn't like the stairs are that soft or warm to begin with.
LANDMINES:
Very cozy.
IN THE NOOK BETWEEN THE HALL RAILING AND A WALL
A much safer alternative to the dangerous stairs. Not only do you get a
terrific view of the lower level of the house, but you can hang your
paws(weary from your travels) over the edge. The downside: Not very
warm, and if someone wants to bug you while you're sleeping you have
nowhere to run.
LANDMINES:
Plus, the view is blocked.
IN FRONT OF A WINDOW(UPSTAIRS)
"Oh my God, Rikc, she's right here in your room! You're missing out on
all of the action you have to look at this." The only benefit of this
location is that you get a great view of the backyard so you can
coordinate your hunts for later in the day. Also, my room is the
warmest in the house(because I am too hot to handle). Downside: I don't
feed you my leftover food and you have nothing soft to sleep on.
LANDMINES:
Where the magic happens, if you are a human.
MY BED
This is the place to be if you are in my room. It is vert soft and
warm, and I always turn the music down so you can sleep. I'll pet you a
lot, but you like that.
LANDMINES:
UNMENTIONABLE.
MY UNDERWEAR
Really, how rude! You usually get kicked out of this place because if
my parents investigate they will find out that I have a huge collection
of women's underwear. It is a silky-soft place to stay before that
happens, though.
LANDMINES:
I walk here.
THE FLOOR(HIGH TRAFFIC AREAS) I mean what the hell? You know we walk here. You know
it. You're sleeping on a cold, hard floor that is being assulted by
stomping feet every other minute. If you fall asleep here you will wake
up dead.
LANDMINES:
There are no presents yet because I've been a bad boy.
UNDER THE CHRISTMAS TREE A limited time only engagement. It is a great place to sleep, but if you get in the way of presents we will tear you like wrapping paper.
LANDMINES:
That is Popeye. He is old so we don't love him anymore.
IN FRONT OF A HEATER So warm that nothing else even matters. Only open for the winter.
LANDMINES:
She always curls her chin over my arm like that. It is so cute.
MY LAP Best seat in the house. I give kickass pets and have an arm that adjusts to your cuddling needs.
LANDMINES:
There
are more locations, but this is where most cat-time is spent. If you
are a cat and wish to inquire about possible vacancies at any of these
locations, please contact me.
-Rikc | | |
| I am part of a group called The Reviewster.
We have a new review up every day of the week, and it is usually good
stuff. I was just added to the group this past week as the potential
writer for Sunday, and this is my first article for them. If you like
it, add them on your myspace or your Livejournal. Anyway, here is my article. Hopefully some of you like it.
---
I really hate when people miss the point of Thanksgiving. I hate when
people miss the point of Christmas, too, but that doesn't bother me as
much because that is all Jesus' business and he won't let you forget it
when you're asking for favors later on.
"Oh please let me into Heaven"
"oh sure let me buy a bunch of presents OH WAIT THAT ISN'T RIGHT AT ALL"
"I can't believe I went to church for this shit"
Anyway, I hate when people miss the point of
Thanksgiving. It used to be easier to figure out; back in the olden
days (the 1940s!) it was called Givingthanks, which totally spells it
out for you right there. People would be really nice and thank each
other for mundane things, then go to bed early so they can get up for
crack-of-dawn Christmas sales at the bazaar or trading post or whatever
the hell they had before malls were discovered.
However, with the birth of internet lingo the term "Givingthanks" got
switched around. Once that "Thanksgiving" pic made it to ebaumsworld it
was pretty much settled, now no one knows what the hell we're supposed
to do on Thanksgiving. We can't figure it out so we do what we always
do when we're bored: eat food and argue with our parents.
Well I am a history major and I am here to tell you that Thanksgiving actually means Givingthanks and we're supposed to be thankful.
So why doesn't anyone appreciate what they have? So many wonderful
people go out of their way to make life wonderful for everyone else,
and they don't even care. They just keep eating. It is really unfair to
people (like me) who do (really) nice (and unexpected) things all the
time and only ask for a little verbal confirmation that what they did
was good.
So, since you guys wouldn't know how to be thankful if it came up and
thanked you right in the balls, I am going to make a list of things
that I am thankful for.
-My fans
-My producer
-My parents
-God
Wait, oh shit. I knew that shouldn't have been on there, this is the list I read when I won a very prestigious award the other week. That wasn't real. That was fake. Here are things I am thankful for, and very thoughtful reasons why:
Beer -
I drink a lot of this, and it made getting through
Givingthanks(Thanksgiving for you derelicts) exponentially easier with
every can that I slammed into my forehead(after drinking).
Sluts - I mean come on, right?
My Car - It goes so fast, it is so awesome.
The Internet - For helping me come off as more attractive that I actually am.
See, these are all things that most people take for granted. At my family's gathering no one even drank beer
except for me. Well, I gave some to my nephew but that is because he
would have told on me for smoking in his room. To show you my true
appreciation, here is a simple bar graph outlining the things I love
the most in life and how important they are to me.
This should be easy for you to figure out because I didn't even use words.
Anyway, I hope this helps for you guys to maybe
appreciate what you have a bit more. The holidays are still upon us and
there is plenty of time to show people you are thankful for them. You
should really do that.
-Rikc
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